LITHUANIAN QUARTERLY JOURNAL OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
Copyright © 2014 LITUANUS Foundation, Inc.
Volume 60, No.1 - Spring 2014
Editor of this issue: Rimas Uzgiris
where do children come from?
we know, some children are brought by storks
others are found in cabbage patches
others yet are bought by parents in stores
all storks carry kids, or only some – e.g., stork fathers?
how many children does one stork bring?
do storks carry kids throughout the year, or only now and then?
do storks take special child-carrying classes?
are they licensed professionals? or maybe self-taught
dilettantes? does the Ministry
of Education pay any attention to this?!
are storks legally importing children to Lithuania?
do they have insurance in case of unfortunate accidents?
what cabbages – early, late, or middling – is it most
beneficial to look for children? maybe in pickled cabbage?
in what strains of cabbage is it most probable to find something?
it’s no secret that cabbages aren’t only green, but white and red
not only lump cabbages, but budding, leafy, even – creeping
there are also brussels sprouts and puffed-out Peking cabbages
but I’ve never heard of finding children among broccoli
can the correct care of cabbages affect a child’s gender?
how would children respond to unconscientious
overfertilization with manure?
what would happen to a child if he weren’t found in time?
many children can a person on minimum wage afford to buy?
what firms officially sell children?
are children that are sold in stores of sufficiently high quality?
what warrantee comes with their purchase? a year? two?
is it worthwhile to buy children made in China?
what is the sales tax on children? normal, lessened, raised?
what laws govern the sale of children?
are the rights of child-users properly circumscribed and enforced?
we don’t know the particular origins of children, how do we
tell which was brought by a stork,
which was found in a cabbage patch, and which was purchased
in a store?
maybe that’s why people are so different? some fly in the
clouds, others idle about with their
eyes peeled to the ground, and yet others madly love money...
why are there fewer and fewer children? maybe because the
business of children in Lithuania has not yet achieved mass-market
status? maybe because there are more and more sales of
genetically modified cabbage and children don’t linger in gmo
cabbages? or maybe because in our country the storks are
oppressed by the burden of high taxes and they take their
we don’t need children?
how did you get here?
are you children?
what are you doing here?
and what am I doing here?
what am I all about here?
Translation of “kaip atsiranda vaikai?”
people don’t exist!
and there is no unchangeable world!
secret of life is coded in genes
good genes, bad genes, quality genes
old genes or somewhat new genes
so-so genes, little by little genes
genes, genes, and only genes
genes, genes, and all and only genes
genes, genes, and mutagenes
all and only autogenes, halogenes, colagenes, and mutabor
probably your father was a nitwit
do you use?
maybe your mother was a user?
do you eat?
apparently, your grandparents didn’t starve
do you breathe?
obviously, one of your ancestors enjoyed that too
you are re-peat-ing-your-self!
that’s your sonny-boy
that’s your little girl
the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
(and where does the pear fall? – science doesn’t say)
you creative? – genes
do you work at the furnace? – genes
do you crave work as a security guard? – genes
were you well-known and popular? – genes
you ended up worthless? – gene-tastic
you feel like you’re a woman?
well, probably you have that
among your relatives
do you feel like you’re a man?
hmm... maybe your mother was
impregnated by a horse?
you have the characteristics of a man, but feel like a woman?
a difficult situation...
damn it all! from now on everything can be changed!
everything can be mixed, fixed, then mixed up again
engineering, genetic mechanics and cybernetics,
genetic biology and alchemy
genetic physics, schizics and metaphysics are all ready to
help you out
we can make one hand black, the other – your choice – white
we can make one eye pink, the other – salad
we can make your face stick out like a brick
or your rear end shine like a mirror,
but do you really need that?
pick your nose? – that means you have the nose-picking gene
you cut the cheese? – the cheese-cutting gene is to blame
you wet the bed?
the shark gene will help – believe it or not, sharks never wet
conscience gnaws at you? – you lack the free air
you bemoan your fate? – throw out your fate gene
your head aches? choose the worm gene and you won’t have
a head to ache!
you want a head, but there are just too many of them for you?
be a half-head!
but think hard – what would happen if you lost the silliness gene?
hurry up and choose: the philistine business gene or the
sedentary country gene
the eastern polygamy gene or the western licentious gene
the height gene or the long-life gene
the Lithuania gene or the lickmania gene
and if you happen to feel hungry –
eat some genetically modified poop!
yourself and you will be changed!
let general gene-istry and geneology live!!
let gmo, ufo, omg live!!!
there is nothing to be scared about if one morning, on
you happen to ask yourself:
who am I???
Sharikov or Frankenstein?
A chickrat? or a mushfrog?
we’ll install for you the lively imagination gene
but for the beauty salon – you’ll have to pay your own way!
Translation of “apie genus”